Balancing my Yearning for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, mostly enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship which continued for four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, frequently resulting in lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want another man to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle different types of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; eventually you might become less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person who provides a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the worth of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist focusing on treating sexual disorders.
